I'm Sorry Everyone, But.... I Have to Crush Your New Year's Dream

I know, everyone - you're all looking for some excitement, some fun in this new year of 2024. But I'm afraid I have to crush your fun.

I was tooling around on the internet, looking at some things happening throughout the state of Missouri. I then randomly came across this...which I made sure to double check.

578.176. Bear wrestling — penalty. — 1. A person commits the offense of bear wrestling if he or she:
(1) Wrestles a bear;
(2) Permits bear wrestling to be done on any premises under his or her charge or control;
(3) Promotes, conducts, or stages bear wrestling;
(4) Advertises bear wrestling;
(5) Collects any admission fee for bear wrestling;
(6) Purchases, sells, or possesses a bear which he or she knows will be used for bear wrestling;
(7) Trains a bear for bear wrestling;
(8) Subjects a bear to surgical alteration for bear wrestling.

So, I know, I know, this is just...traumatic to you. I know you were looking forward to getting together with your brohaims to impress some ladies, but... you cannot wrestle the godless killing machines that are known as bears. Again, I'm sure it would have been totally rad, and the gun show was out for display, but... no. If you attempt to wrestle a bear, advertise bear wrestling, train a bear, ANYTHING, you're going to the slammer. Which is not a great look for the New Year.

Now, what kills me about this is, this law was not enacted until 2017! Which means... people were out there rasslin 800 to 1500 pound bears until someone decided, "Listen, we need to write a law about this. Enough is enough". Why people were fighting honest to jeebus BEARS and not, like, Care Bears or Teddy Ruxpin, I don't know. I'll even let you do it for free.

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Seriously, if you're bored, why not do something a little less dangerous, but no less impressive. Join the Sedalia Parks and Rec for their Couch to 5k or something. Or go see the Jim the Wonder Dog museum in Marshall. Or, I don't know, come to my house and clean up my leaves from the back porch.

Just stop fighting bears, okay? Okay.

Fightingly yours,
Behka