Seven More Reasons NO ONE Should Move To Sedalia Right Now
I'm sure you've all seen a change over the last few years in Sedalia. More traffic, more kids in schools, and the housing market is definitely busy. So people are coming to Sedalia, more often, in more numbers. But, if you come here, you're gonna want to know the truth first. I mean, it feels like a moral obligation to let you know what you're getting into. So, here are a few reasons you might want to reconsider a move to ol' Sedville.
1. The Lassa Fever Outbreak.
Hundreds of people have been infected by this terrible virus*. It's spreading all over Sedalia and the entirety of Pettis County as we speak. You probably haven't heard much about it because of the deep, conspiratorial cover up by the local law enforcement and collusion on our part with the other radio stations and newspapers in the area. Yes, there is an Illuminati, and I'm totally, totally in it.
2. The Infestation of the Screaming Pivoted Fire Beetle.
These have infested every home, business, school, and vehicles**. They have a shrill scream that they use whenever they bite, infusing a poison directly into the bloodstream. Symptoms of the bite include arguing on the internet, cravings for a Target Store, and forgetting how to use a turn signal.
3. The Zombie Patrols.
Every night, hordes of zombies roam the streets of Sedalia.*** Kids, you were right, every adult you know secretly is a zombie. We wear a regular "Human Suit" and unzip them at night and go out to find kids who snuck out of their rooms after bed time so we can eat their brains with some fava beans and a nice Cianti. Guess you should listen to your parents and stay in bed after all, huh!
As you know, Sedalia was the inspiration for many of the stranger plot points of the popular ABC TV show Lost. It got embarrassing after a while, I mean, come on - find a new source for your writers to mine. Should have just named the show Sedalia. In fact, you can't walk in Hubbard Park and not get mauled by a polar bear.**** Some of the polar bears that walk on the Katy Trail have been somewhat domesticated, though - just don't expect them to share their Coca - Cola.
One thing you might want to ask your realtor before you try to buy a house in Sedalia is whether or not your yard has a quicksand pit. It probably does, as the latest quicksand count in our census was at 98%.***** I can't tell you how many neighborhood kids keep stepping in these dang things. You put up the sawhorses, you write up a sign, you tell 'em personally, but do they listen? No. They're addicted to them things. Probably lost seventy three teenagers in my backyard last year.
6. The Cruel Tyranny of Biscuits.
Our Overlord Biscuits rules with a cruel hand******. Sure, he looks like a cute dog cuddling with a little boy, but we know better. The first seven years you live in Sedalia, you have to be an indentured servant/serf for Lord Biscuits. If you please him, he lets you live with a couple of face kisses. If you displease him.... well. We don't talk about that anymore. I've said too much! Lord Biscuits, I humbly beg for your forgiveness.
7. The Nuclear Incident Of 1983.
It's not talked about a lot, but we actually burned up in a nuclear explosion back in 1983. You might have heard about the television documentary about it, The Day After?******* It's pretty much nothing but radioactive dust here. We all died, but then we got better. Still, must not be that pleasant for someone moving here for the first time.
So there you have it, I have provided you with some points of caution for anyone planning on moving to Sedalia. We've obviously gone to heck in a handbasket, so steer clear of us at all costs. It's insanity. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.
*Or nobody here, and in Nigeria instead.
**These insects are not real. I made that up.
*** One of our sales reps here did tell me that she had a weird belief as a kid that adults wore human suits. But, otherwise...no.
**** There are no polar bears in Sedalia. I don't think JJ Abrams knows Sedalia exists.
*****I have not now, nor have I ever, seen quicksand. I am also not responsible for any quicksand related disappearances.
****** That's a stock photo of a dog. I have no idea if his name is Biscuits, but I want it to be.
*******Totally made up. The Day After was a fictional TV movie that we're mentioned in.