Inside The Mind Of: That Guy Who Took Up Two Spots In The Parking Lot

I like to think I'm an empathetic person. I try to see things from other people's perspectives. After all, not everyone has had the experiences I've had, and vice versa. So, instead of writing a passive aggressive note on the windshield of a guy who parked right dead center over the line of two parking spaces... I decided to empathize.

I tried to imagine a whole day in his life.

Woah, bro. Five a.m. already. Time to get up. 

Why can't I ever get the temperature right in the shower? It's always burning hot or ice cold. Uh oh. I'm out of Head and Shoulders. 

JANICE! I'M OUT OF SHAMPOO!

"You're gonna have to get some yourself, Todd has little league practice today."

Fine. Jeez. Can I use her shampoo? No. I definitely cannot. This smells like flowers. What is Hibiscus, anyway? I guess I'll just have dirty hair today. Nobody will notice. 

Alright, gotta get dressed. Why are my feet sticking to my pant legs? Just go in there! BRO. Nearly toppled over, there. Coulda wacked my head on the dresser knob. 

Coffee, coffee, coffee. Banana? No. Apple? No. Cereal bar? Yes. 

I gotta remember to air up these tires. Oh, crap, there's so much traffic! Can I get around.... dang. I hope I'm not late. Travis will give me my butt if I'm late again. 

"STEVE! COME ON, MAN! Get your act together. That's the seventh time you've been late this year. One more, man. That's it. One More. "

He's looking at my hair. He's giving me a strange look. 

Bro, I promise, never again.

I need to double check this hair situation. I guess it's okay. Oh, wait. I'm flaking! Oh crap, why did I have to wear a black shirt today? 

This meeting is so boring. If Lucinda doesn't get to the point, I'm going to fall asleep. 

Working through lunch again. Donuts? I shouldn't, but... okay. I'm so hungry.

Another conference call? What do we have to talk about? Haven't we already discussed the quarterly budget line by line for the last three months? Are you serious? We have to discuss how much we're spending on staples? I'm going to lose my mind. 

"Hey, Steve. You seem stressed."

Oh no, it's Kim. She makes me nervous. Ever since she got that promotion I wanted... I can't be normal around her. It's like she's reminding me that she's better than me just by existing. Can't let it show. Be normal. Be normal. 

Oh, hey. I'm good.

"What's that on your shoulder?"

PANIC PANIC PANIC. Be normal. Be. Normal.

Oh, nothing. It's nothing.

She's giving me the "I don't believe you" look. Great. I bet she thinks I'm completely weird now. She probably did before. Crap. 

Does 3:30 ever end? It has to be the longest minute. 

Five o Clock! Finally. I can get out of here and get home. 

I thought all these people would be gone from the eclipse by now. I'm glad there won't be another one for a while. Oh. Hello. Cute girl in a Tacoma. It won't hurt to look. I'm married, I'm not dead. Give her the nod. Oh, oh, she smiled. She smiled at me. Maybe I can give her the subtle gun show. I'll just put my arm up on the window, flex a little bit.... What? What happened? She looks like I put mayonnaise on her puppy.  Oh. Oh no. It's everywhere. That black shirt! Why didn't I do a shoulder check before I left? Stupid, stupid, stupid. Fine. I'm going right now, RIGHT NOW, to the store. Never again. I'm gonna buy that stuff in bulk. It's going to take up so much room in the bathroom that Todd will use it as a bookshelf.

Why are there ALWAYS so many people here? And why do they all have to walk in the middle of the dang lane when I'm trying to find a place to park?! I don't want to hit you, Gramma! OH CRAP, KID. Seriously! Who just darts out like that?!  I nearly hit you, you crazy sunnuva.... Where is that kid's parent? Uh oh. There's Dad. He's big. He's mad. I better get out of here quick. Just find the next spot, just find the next spot, great, here. 

Whew. Uh.... forget it. I'll only be in there for a minute. 

I think I can cut Steve a little slack, here. But... maybe not a second time.

Emphatically yours,
Behka