I've noticed a pattern, people.   

Especially here lately, with the up and down weather, I've gotten a little annoyed at drivers in Sedalia lately (although I've been told my road rage is hilarious). So, I decided to address the issue directly with your very own Driving In Sedalia Rules*.

1. You must always turn left into the Taco Bell and left out of the Harbor Freight. 

And make sure you drive up the wrong side of the road when you do it! It doesn't matter about those jerks going South on Limit. YOU. NEED. NACHO. FRIES.  If you can, please turn left out of the Harbor Freight without looking to see if anyone's coming down Broadway first. I bet you can make it to the Shell, no problem! Just go ahead and cut across those lanes. You've got it handled, buddy.

2.  You must never, by any circumstances, park correctly at the East Woods. 

It's a free for all! Drive up and down however you want, and don't worry about how many spots you take up. You should definitely take up at least two, and actually, you get some bonus points for just sitting at the front in your car and not even parking. I mean, why would you park, wait until you see your party leave the store, and then drive to pick them up? That would be crazy. You don't have time for that.

3. Going the speed limit on Main Street is unheard of. 

Please, be sure to bear down on the people going the "speed limit".  We all know that's just a suggestion! And, of course, feel free to pass people when you're driving by the railroad tracks on West Main.  After all, they're going slow! Screw them and their "traffic laws", you've got places to be! Maybe that large truck going to Pro Energy that you nearly hit will scare them into driving faster and being a better citizen, like you!

4.  Using turn signals correctly is a faux pas. 

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use your turn signal. Let them figure it out!  Well, you can use your turn signal, as long as you signal in the OPPOSITE way you're headed, or if you leave it on for at least ten blocks on 65, so people can play a fun game where they guess where you're really planning on turning. Dairy Queen? No.  Pizza Hut? No. State Fair Spirits? No. Rea Funeral Chapel? No. Such Fun!

5.  You must absolutely use your phone at all times while driving. 

Sure, you're pulling out of your parking spot at Tacos Del Charro, but you HAVE to read that text message immediately.  I'm sure that "LOL" was richly deserved. And make sure to keep texting on your phone as you're pulling out! It's definitely the other person's responsibility to watch out for you, not the other way around. Actually, the only time it's acceptable to put your phone down is at a stop light. Then, you must stare at the person in the lane next to you for no reason.

Follow these simple rules, and you'll be driving like a Sedalian in no time!

Drivingly yours,

Behka

 

 

 

 

 

*You might notice a LITTLE sarcasm.