An Open Letter To Animal Planet About Those “Monsters Inside Me” Commercials

Animal Planet, you're a great cable channel. I watch so many of your shows, that I should be a shareholder. Tanked, North Woods Law, Cats 101/Dogs 101, Animal Cops, Dr Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet, The Zoo, Animal Nation, The Vet Life, Dr Dee: Alaska Vet, Life At Vet U, .... I mean, really. You probably take up about half of my DVR in any given week.  I love you, I really do.

But we need to talk about something, Animal Planet. Sit down. Would you like a water? No, I'm alright, I'm not mad. We're not going to have a fight, we're going to have a discussion.  Get comfortable.  This isn't an attack, and I am going to own up to my part. We've both  made mistakes, and it's time to talk through them.

We need to talk about "Monsters Inside Me".

I have seen that show exactly once. It was enough. Admittedly,  I have my own issues when it comes to creepy crawlies and stuff that buzzes. I don't like bugs, with very few exceptions (ladybugs, butterflies and fireflies). So that part is probably my fault. I probably saw "Stand By Me" as a kid and never got over the leech scene. So me and bugs are a no go. I just don't like them. I don't want them in my yard, I don't want them in my house, I don't want them in my car, I don't want them on my pets, I don't want them in my office, I do not want them, Sam I Am.

I CERTAINLY don't want them in my body.

The idea of some kind of creature crawling into, out of,  or on my body by natural or forced means is over the boundary. That is out of order. It's not at all allowed, under any circumstances, ever, ever ever ever evereverevereverever. I don't care if I'm dying from a tropical disease, a leech is not going to attach itself to me.  I'll die first.

So frankly, your show "Monsters Inside Me" is a violation. It's a breach of the trust I give you, Animal Planet, to entertain me with cute animals or vets saving the lives of cute animals or zookeepers training cute animals or game wardens arresting people who illegally kill cute animals. I already choose not to watch the program. But I did choose to watch ''North Woods Law" this weekend (great show, by the way - but I want more episodes from the guys in Maine), and every other commercial felt like it was a promo for .... the show that shall not be named.

I don't want to see little worms poking out of a hole on someone's head. I don't want to see a grub coming out of someone's tear duct.  I don't want to see a larvae like object being pulled out of someone's foot. I will watch hours of bloody surgery on dog intestines, but I will not watch a fly get removed from an ear.

So that's why we need to talk. You need to stop with the promos for the new season. Trust me, the people who want to see this, will find it. They don't need your help. These sick, twisted, obviously terrible people will make a point to watch your program. Please spare the rest of us from being majorly squicked out every thirty seconds. Or at least cut back on the promos! Maybe one an hour instead? I'm willing to compromise.

We need a resolution, Animal Planet. I don't think this will be something we can't work through. I.. I do admit that it made me turn to someone else. I admit my wrongdoing.  Why do you want to know which channel it was with? What difference would that make?  Fine, Fine. It was with Nat Geo Wild.  They just remind me so much of you, of the good old days. The Incredible Dr Pol, Animal ER, Dr K's Exotic Animal ER,.....and no shows about bugs crawling in my intestines.  I hope you'll consider forgiving me. I hope you'll also let the promos go, so I can comfortably watch your channel again and not have to turn to another.  I'm not trying to blame you, or shame you, I just... can't with the bugs.

Let's not talk about Investigation Discovery.  We're just friends and you know it.

Thanks, Animal Planet.

Animally yours,
Behka